Are You Letting Me Down?

I Trust You. 3 simple words. Kinda roll off the tongue for a ‘good Christian girl’.

But do I really mean them??

When the rubber meets the road, when my dreams are shattered, when my faith is shaken, do I really mean it?

When God brought us to Kona, I thought it was so that I could continue working on my Nurse Practitioner program. God is the reason I even started the program. It was His will and His prodding that made me decide to do it. And it just makes sense. I can do so much more as an NP in medical missions than as a nurse.

So, I began looking for a preceptor to do clinicals with for my school back in June, when we were still in Manila. I called several family practices, but no was was available and/or willing to accommodate me. I tried again when we went home for church camp. Again, a lot of dead ends. Then, someone finally called me back and said that they could take me. After that didn’t work out, I re-visited a clinic I had already tried. They changed their minds and said they could accommodate me, but then said maybe not, but that they would try. I tried one more doctor, who said he would do it! I turned in all the necessary paperwork to my university. Once I finally got approved to start clinicals on Wednesday, I called the doctor to schedule a time to start. He never called back. I tried again the next day. Nothing. On Friday, I got an email saying that, basically, the approval process had taken too long, and he was not willing to proceed as my preceptor.

I was crushed. Really, after all the ups and downs in this process, it all comes crashing down? My course syllabus states that if a student doesn’t have a preceptor by week 3, he/she may be administratively withdrawn from the course, and they would have to wait another year to take the course again. Friday was the end of week 3. And I’ve already called every doctor’s office in this town, as well as some an hour away. Even if I found another preceptor today, it may take weeks to be approved.

I thought this was your will, God! I’m doing this for You! Why is this happening??

I Trust You.

I certainly hope I mean these words. I think I mean them. I guess you never really know till it’s tested. Like gold, you never truly know it’s real till you put it in the fire.

Refinement.

It sounds like such as elegant word, but it hurts like hell.

I thought this was Your will, God! I literally left everything for You! And, honestly, it feels like You let me down.

I always think about the song, King of My Heart. At the end, we sing, “You’re never gonna let, Never gonna let me down” over and over. I remember singing that hesitantly the first few times, because I wasn’t sure that I truly believed it in the depths of my heart. After a couple of months, however, I knew it to be true with every fiber of my being. I still know it. So, why do I still feel like You’ve let me down?

I guess this is where faith, trust, and hope come in. I KNOW You’re working this all out for my good, even if I can’t see it yet. I KNOW you are always, always good, even if I can’t wrap my head around it. I KNOW I can trust in You, no matter what.

One of my favorite verses has always been Romans 8:28, “And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose”. I know without a doubt that, yes, God is working all things out for the good of His Kingdom, the Church. Us. The Body of Christ.

But what about me personally? Is God working everything out for MY good?? After all, I gave up everything to follow you, so I deserve………Wait. I don’t deserve. I don’t actually deserve anything. Because God sent His Son to DIE for me. He was the Prince of Heaven; Earth and all that’s in it was made through Him. He deserved nothing but a life of glory.

Instead, He chose to come to the earth, that “was created by him, but the world did not recognize him. He came to what was his own, but his own people did not receive him” John 1:10-11. He deserved to be worshiped day and night, but, instead, he was beaten, spit on, and nailed to a tree.

So, why do I deserve to have everything work out the way I want it to? Don’t get me wrong, God LOVES his children and wants what is best for them. That’s why, sometimes, things happen, and we can only see them as bad, as road blocks, as dream-killers. But God can see the whole picture. And through that, He can work EVERYTHING out for the good of those who love Him.

So, whether I’m able to continue school this semester, or if I get withdrawn from my course; if I finish it 2 years from now, or 10 years from now, or maybe even not at all, I can trust that His hand is in it and that it’s all going to work out for my good.

Because He’s never gonna let me down.

Please join us in praying that God’s will be done in this situation, and pray for grace and peace for me, whatever the outcome.

Love and blessings,

Monica and Jason